Sibling Aggression

🚸 Sibling Aggression is quite common. This is true amongst neurotypical and neurodivergent children. Sibling aggression or rivalry will likely occur at some point. Children are learning how to react to their emotions. This may take longer for autistic children. It's important to stay calm and be fair. Separate them and take a moment to gather your thoughts, calm your own emotions, and regain control.

🚸 For siblings of younger children and siblings of children with autism it is hard for them to understand the other child's needs. You have to help them understand to respect the other child's boundaries, like don't touch their toys, or they don't like to be touched or don't take things away from them.

🚸 If the sibling is younger and your autistic child is the aggressor, your best bet is to keep them separate. You could accomplish this by creating a safe place for the younger one or a self-contained place for the older one. Basically, keeping them separate to eliminate the potential for the younger one to trigger the older one by crossing boundaries like touching their things.

📌 It's also a good idea to try to dive into exactly what upsets them about the sibling. Is it the crying? Touching their things? The time you have to spend caring for the other? Headphones may be useful if it's the crying or sounds bothering them. Some children won't use headphones or earbuds, though. It may be a good idea to create a space just for them. It doesn't have to be elaborate and may be easier than you think.

❤️ Designate time for each of them to have your sole focus and attention. If you have support, someone to watch them, it will definitely be easier. Even if you take one of them to run errands or to get a drink. That special time alone with each child can help reinforce your bond and trust. If you don't have someone to watch them, try to just allocate some of your time to spend with each of them doing something they enjoy.

✨️ During structured playtime, ensure to give positive reinforcement when they are doing a good job.

👫 Of course, you want them to have some interaction, but it should be planned if possible and under close supervision. We know it's not always possible to have a second adult around; single parents, partner works a lot. Again, you may be able to create a space for such interactions. Position yourself in-between them and try to engage them in play separately. Take it slow, one step at a time, and start with very small time intervals.

👯 When you're ready, you can introduce parallel play. During this time, ensure you reinforce "gentle hands". You can have them doing the same activity, but each have their own. Like they each could play with a sensory bin. They could each be drawing or coloring. Playing with their own playdoh.

✨️ There is absolutely nothing wrong with just letting them entertain themselves with technology or their own toys. Especially on the rough days. It's ok! Give yourself grace just like you'd give your child. It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed or burnt out dealing with sibling aggression. Give it time and try to practice patience as you can.

✨️ Depending on the age and ability to understand, discipline may come into play. Remember to never take sides. Try to wait to discuss the incident and punishments until everyone is safe and calm, including you.

🤼‍♂️ The basic steps to handling sibling aggression are:

1. STEP IN WHEN NEEDED - Stop the fight before the crying starts. This might require physically separating your children or sending them to opposite sides of the room to settle down. 2. KEEP CALM - Keep your cool. This might sound impossible, but the idea is not to make things worse. Try to save your energy for giving positive feedback on behavior that you want to encourage.

3. MAKE A TIME TO TALK - Tell children you’ll talk about it later. Children are often too upset to take in what you’re saying at first. Wait until things cool down before you talk about the issue. This could even be the next day with older children.

4. APPLY CONSEQUENCES FAIRLY - Apply fair consequences for fighting to all children if your family uses consequences. For example, if your children are fighting over a toy, make sure neither child gets the toy after a fight.

⚠️ Consequences, Positive & Negative:

▫️A consequence is something that happens as a result of your child behaving in a particular way. ▫️Positive consequences can make behavior more likely in the future.

▫️Negative consequences can make behavior less likely in the future.

▫️Negative consequences can guide children’s behavior if you use them consistently, fairly, and at the right time.

🚸 These tips can make it easier to cool things down when sibling fights break out (of course, this may be dependent on the childs age or ability to understand, but consistency will help): ▫️Treat all children fairly. But remember that fair treatment isn’t necessarily the same treatment. For example, it might not be possible to treat a six-year-old and a three-year-old the same. ▫️Avoid negative comparisons. Saying something like, ‘You should have known better because you’re older’ or ‘You’re the troublemaker’ can make a child feel even more hurt or resentful. ▫️Identify the cause of fighting. This helps you work out the best thing to do. For example, if a child has pushed a sibling and taken their toy, you need to step in. If you don’t, the child learns that fighting is a way to get what you want. Keeping an eye on your children is the secret to knowing the reason for the fighting – and deciding on the right way to deal with it.

▫️Use family rules to make expectations about behavior clear. You can remind your children of the relevant family rules and follow through consistently with consequences.

▫️Have a plan. This means thinking about how you’ll handle small disagreements as well as big fights. For example, you can help children work out small disagreements together, but you might decide to use consequences for fights involving physical violence, or for fights that happen after you’ve all agreed on a solution to a problem.

🚸 Depending on the age of your autistic child, they may be able to attend a special education pre-school at the age of 3. This can help you to get a break and the children to get time away from each other. As always, it's a good idea to ask the pediatrician or therapist for additional ideas on this topic.