Co-Parenting

As with all parenting situations, the child’s needs come first. Children diagnosed with ASD tend to need extra care, structure, and support in order to succeed.

🫱🏼‍🫲🏻 Custody Schedule 🫱🏼‍🫲🏻

Many children of divorced parents have difficulties switching between houses. It is important for any child to have consistency in their life, especially a child with special needs. Keeping your custody arrangement as simple and consistent as possible is important.

⭐️ Routine ⭐️

Although routines can vary from household to household, it is important to speak with your co-parent and create a routine for the child to follow as closely as possible in both households. Coming to an agreement on routine is key in creating the best co-parenting environment for both child and parents. You will find that bedtime at 7pm at parent A’s house and going to bed at 10pm at parent B’s house will not benefit your child but only cause confusion and likely frustration. All children respond well to routine and especially for children with autism, they will appreciate predicability and patterns. The routine setup should start from the time the child wakes up to the time the child goes to bed. Straying from the routine here and there (for travel, events, etc.) should not be an argument between parents as long as there is an understanding that there is a routine to be followed when possible and this is for the best interested of your child.

✨ Visitation ✨

If you and your co-parent don’t decided on joint custody and one parent has sole custody, visitation will be put into place. For parents who do long distance co-parenting, visitation can be put into place as well. It is important for children with autism to have structure and routine, visitation schedules can sometime interrupt this. Keeping visitation time consistent and extended will be more beneficial rather than random and short visitation times. This can mean a long weekend visit rather than one day or one overnight.

🥊 Reduce Conflict 🥊

Keeping as conflict free as possible will always be beneficial to everyone involved. Getting highly emotional in front of a child with autism can cause them to be overwhelmed and this will be extremely stressful for them. Often time conflict can arise from decisions made by each parent regarding the child, your custody order should clearly lay out the decision making authority of each parent. A common cause of conflict when it comes to co-parenting with an autistic child is one parent not agreeing with their child’s diagnosis. Helping your co-parent to better understand your child and their diagnosis can be useful, offering them to join in on doctors visits, and sending them helpful links if they ask will benefit the both of you. You will find that compromising is a huge part of co-parenting, both parents being willing to compromise will reduce conflict immensely. If you and your co-parent tend to struggle with conflict, try communicating through a parenting app.

🫧 Therapies & Education 🫧

When a custody order is put into place, there is usually a specification regarding decision making with each parent. One parent may have more decision making authority than the other, or decision making authority could be divided equally. For parents with equal decision making authority, it is important to discuss education and therapy for your child. There are many therapies, schools, and daycares offered for children with autism. Discussion on these things can includes location, company, frequency, and more. Not everything can be easily agreed upon, but discussing and compromising should be done. For parents who don’t share decision making an authority, meaning one parent has more authority than the other, therapy/education should still be discussed but not argued about. Always remember to put your child’s needs and best interests first.

🗣️ Communication 🗣️

Communication availability and time should be specified in your custody order. Communication, especially with autistic children, can be difficult. While neurotypical children might be able to handle a phone call or texts, an autistic child may not. FaceTime is a common choice of communication between parent and autistic child, depending on age and development. Communicating with your child daily and on a routine is important. Understanding that your child has special needs & can’t communicate as well as a neurotypical person is key, if you can get a 2-5 minute FaceTime in daily before nap time, thats great. As far as communication between parents, it is typically best that communication stay strictly about the child. It is especially important for high conflict co-parents to stick to strict communication schedules and rules such as communication only regarding children and in the form of text or email, that way everyone can be held accountable. Again, if you have issues communicating with your co-parent, try a co-parenting app. There are a variety of apps available, including ones where you can share calendars. Under no circumstance should a parent use the child as a communication tool.

❤️ Introducing new siblings/partners ❤️

Meeting new people can be difficult for anyone. Before introducing a new partner or sibling, help said person to understand your autistic child’s needs. Not everyone is educating on autism. At the initial introduction, let your partner speak for themselves and intervene if your child reacts badly. After the introduction, have an open conversation with your partner and express yourselves. Find where your partner is comfortable or uncomfortable and go from there. If your new partner has children of their own, introduce the children after you’ve introduced your partner. There is no sense in introducing the children and partner at the same time, this can be overwhelming for your autistic child and for everyone else. And if things don’t work out for you and your partner, you don’t want the children suffering too. Express to your partners children that your child might process and behave differently, but that they can still play and talk together. Make sure to spend individual time with each child as well as family time all together, this way no one feels left out.

👩🏻‍⚖️ Attorneys/Filing Legal Work👩🏻‍⚖️

I want to file for custody modification but I can’t afford an attorney, what do I do? Simple answer, DIY! Do it yourself. Whether you’re filing for divorce, contempt, child support modification, or anything else, you can likely find the proper forms for your state online! Now not everyone is educated on legal jargon, I know I’m not, you might become stumped somewhere in the paperwork. If you can’t afford a an attorney to help you fill out the paperwork, look into paralegals. Paralegals are not attorneys or lawyers, but can often be useful in most cases, and they are more affordable as well. And if you know you can’t afford any legal help, then join a free Facebook group of ‘(your state) free law answers’ or ‘Ask attorneys legal questions for free.’ There are a variety of these types of groups that are completely free and can be very helpful.

Please share your experiences in the comments and help others when it comes to co-parenting with autism. Everyone’s situations are different, as always, keeping the child’s best interested in mind will always be the best decision.